I Want to be Your Chicken Wuss
by Becbet
Summary: A FF8/FF9 crossover in which Zell is transported to the FF9 universe via one of Seifer's Firagas, just in time for the destruction of Alexandria. Will Zell ever get back home? Or will he be forced to live in a land without TV, to be forever pestered by li
1. Chapter One: It Begins Or: Zell battles ...

**I Want to be Your Chicken Wuss ::** Chapter One

Author's notes:: The idea for this fic came to me rather spasmodically while I was watching _Courage the Cowardly Dog_, so I was forced to sit down in front of my trusty computer and type it up. (Or the first chapter anyway.) If the title did not make the nature of this story clear enough I shall elaborate: it is humor. And cross-over-y. And alternate-universe-y. And told from the point of view of my favorite Final Fantasy character of all time: Zell. ^__^ It's a bit of an experiment on my part, so just ignore any…uhm…anything that seems like it needs to be ignored, and we'll get along great. And as a minor note: I don't believe there will be any spoilers from FF8, however, this little piece of fiction is guaranteed to be laced with FF9 spoilers; therefore, leave now if that bothers you and don't come crying to me if the game is ruined for you because you skipped the author's note. Anyway, enjoy the little prologue-type-first-chapter and don't forget to review on your way out.

*** *** *** 

We were gonna die.

Although I realized this, it didn't really hit me until the Firaga spell exploded next to me, engulfing Squall in a swirling vortex of flame. We were gonna die.

"Squall! Here!" Irvine called worriedly, tossing our beaten commander a Hi-Potion. Squall got back on his feet and directed his fury at the being before us. He charged and sliced downward with his gunblade, uttering an unintelligible cry. Our enemy shrugged off the attack like it was merely a breeze. Frickin' hell.

"Hyne!" I hissed, taking a blow to my side. I clutched at the wound as I attacked; flailing madly with my free arm. My fist connected with bone, resulting in a sickening crack-pop. I had just broken the bastard's jaw. I turned and smirked triumphantly at Squall, making sure he had witnessed my minor victory. He had. He nodded as Irvine summoned Ifrit; the fire demon seemed to surge forth from Irvine's palm, flame cascading downward, upward, spiraling sideways.

Our enemy sunk to his knees before us, glaring forth with such intensity that I almost forgot how close we were to winning, to getting out of here with our heads still connected to our bodies. "I'll kill you!" he roared, another Firaga forming in his palm. I would have thought that he'd cast it at Squall, him being the leader and the most badly injured. Instead, my life-long rival locked eyes with me, smirked, and sent the inferno blazing around me. 

Flame climbed up my legs, ate at my skin, burnt away my hair, burned and burned and burned until I thought there couldn't possibly be anything left of me _to_ burn. This couldn't be a mere Firaga spell. I could stand a mere Firaga spell. Seifer had somehow managed to summon up the very flames of Hell and sic them on me. 

I fell to my knees, still with the blasted spell burning around me. There were shouts: Irvine, Squall, Seifer, me. Death by fire…Not how I wanted it to end.

That being the last thought on my mind before I died, you could imagine my surprise to find that I hadn't actually died at all. But I couldn't be alive either, could I? I looked around at my surroundings. Definitely not anywhere I had been before. I was in an alley. Of course I had been in alleys before but this...well...it was…_old_. You know: cobblestone street, pre-electricity type old. 

Now I hoped to Hyne I was dead. Alive in a world without electricity wasn't living at all. 

I picked myself up from the surprisingly clean street, checked to make sure that I wasn't sporting any mortal wounds, and headed for the nearest doorway I could find. Above the descending staircase hung a sign reading 'Mini-Theatre.' Mini-Theatre, huh? I shrugged and jogged down the stairs. I ended up in a dimly lit room, next to man barking about tickets. Why not? I said to myself, passing him the hundred Gil in exchange for the ticket. 

"Wait a minute, boy," the man said, looking at the Gil like it might jump up and bite him. "What're you tryin' to give me?"

"A hundred Gil," I told him. He was obviously having some mental problems. Why couldn't he just admit that this was a dream and get on with it? By now I had come to the conclusion that I was not dead: merely dreaming. And the sooner I got to the end of the dream and woke up, the better.

"Are you dense, boy? This ain't real money. Now get outta my theater 'for I get someone to throw you out!" He flung the Gil at me and motioned for two men leaning against the wall on the far side of the room. 

"Hey!" I said irritably. "This is my dream and I wanna see the stupid play! Now give me the frickin' ticket so I can-Hey! HEY!" The two men had grabbed an arm a piece and were dragging me back upstairs.

"Listen, buddy," said the red-head on my right, "I think you've had a little too much to drink and should probably just head on home."

"I'm not drunk!" I said indignantly. "He's the one with the mental problem!" I yelled, waving a finger at the ticket salesmen. "Doesn't now Gil when he sees it!"

The man on my left rolled his eyes.

It was then that it hit me that this was my dream and that even in real life I could probably take these two, so I swung them off me. The red-head had enough sense to grab the railing to stop his fall. The other, the one with the blue-striped tattoos running down his arms, tumbled down the stairs, landing with a curse at the bottom. I was already back in the alley before I heard the red-head following behind. Our footsteps echoed off the cobblestone. By the time we reached the end of the alley it sounded like we had left behind us a clapping audience. 

I stopped just in time to avoid running into a hippopotamus. Oh, Hyne. It was beginning to look like Irvine had slipped some funny mushrooms in my Coke again. Yes this was all a big, hallucinogenic mushroom-induced dream. It would all be over in the morning; and poor Zelly would be left with one hell of a headache.


	2. Chapter Two: Meet Blank Or: Zell is frea...

**I Want to be Your Chicken Wuss :: **Chapter Two

Author's notes:: A big thank you goes out to everyone that reviewed. I appreciate the comments, everyone. Anyway, a minor note here: I can't, for the life of me, remember what that girl's name was who worked in the bar in Alexandria. So, for the sake of my easily-confused mind, we'll refer to her as Mary. And, we'll both pretend that she took over the bar after its owner, Ashley (I remembered his name), went into business with Ruby (I think she really did, anyway.). Think we can handle that? Good. If anyone _does_ know her real name, kindly correct me in your review. Thanks ahead of time. 

~O~

The hippopotamus stopped and stared dumbly up at me, blinking. My pursuer screeched to a halt beside me. "Mr. Blank!" the hippopotamus exclaimed upon seeing the red-head. 'Mr. Blank' stared dumbly as in way of a response. "Mary sent me to get you 'n' Marcus! She said to tell you that…uhm." The hippo screwed up his face as if he was trying very hard to remember something, or just had gas. His eyes lit up as he remembered, "Oh, yeah! She said that you should probably check on your friend. Mary said he's really bummed out." With his message relayed, the hippo trotted off into the distance, singing, 'La-la-la-la-la.'

I watched the hippo's exit with great interest; what a dream this was turning out to be. Mr. Blank, as the hippo called him, cursed under his breath and grabbed the back of my shirt, trying to pull me along behind him. "C'mon," he said harshly, giving me another tug for emphasis.

I dug my feet into the ground, refusing to go anywhere. "And what makes you think I'm goin' anywhere with _you_?" I asked snidely.

"Listen, buddy," he said, turning me to face him. "First, you're coming with me to talk to Zidane, then, I'm gonna personally kick you out of Alexandria."

Instead of feeling threatened, as I'm sure Blank would have hoped, I found myself wondering how the guy could see with that visor-thing covering his eyes. I waved a hand in front of his face to see how he'd react. When he roughly grabbed my wrist it became apparent that he somehow, magically, _could_ see. 

"So this is Alexandria?" I asked him as he led me down the crowded street. 

"You obviously can't hold your liquor very well, can you?" he asked.

"I already told you, I haven't had anything to drink. I'm just having some freaked up dream where talking hippopotami run freely through the streets." Another singing hippo chose that moment to skip by, happily humming to itself.

"You know," Blank started, "I've always wondered about them myself." as he trailed off he shook his head. "But I'll tell you one thing, you're not dreaming."

A duck with a trumpet passed. "Uh-huh." I said. "Someone's in denial."

We came to a stop in front of a rather quaint building. "What?!" Blank exclaimed.

"Well," I began to explain, "since I'm not dead, and since I'm not still fighting Seifer, the jerk," I added, "I have to be dreaming, right? I mean, where's the electricity? Where's the Garden? Where's Squall and Irvine?" I looked around to make none of the above were in the proximity. They weren't, but I didn't think they would be.

"What are you talking about?!" Blank yelled. "You haven't said one thing that made sense!" Another hippo passed us. It tipped its hat. "Except the thing about the hippos." I nodded in agreement; the hippos were beginning to really freak me out. But Blank continued, "Maybe you're not drunk, you're just a psychopath!"

"Hey, I'm not crazy," I disagreed. The fact that this guy was so against this being a dream was thwarting my theory, and it was all that was keeping me from erupting into a full-blown panic attack. "Ask me something that even a crazy guy would know."

Blank thought for a minute before asking "Is she hot?" and pointing to another hippo as it passed. 

"You mean to tell me you can tell their gender?" I asked, incredulous. 

"Maybe you're not insane," Blank mused and pushed me into the building labeled 'Bar.'

I sat at a round, wooden table while Blank quizzed some blonde guy with a tail, whom I guessed was Zidane. As Blank gave the guy a pep-talk, I checked out the insides of the bar. Everything was made out of wood, and crafted in a slightly medieval way. It looked like a scene from one of Selphie's fantasy novels. And it was giving me the creeps, as well as splinters. I sat on my stool (a barrel) and tried to pick the splinter from my thumb. Darn fingerless gloves. Blank banged a fist on the blonde guy's table, "This isn't like you at all, man!" he exclaimed. The guy just shrugged. My attention was drawn back to the splinter. 

I finally got it out just as the guy with the tattoos entered. He spared me an angry glance before taking a seat next to Blank's current victim. The guy with the tail sighed and said, "You come to gripe at me too, eh Marcus?"

Marcus shrugged, "You shouldn't let her get to you, bro."

Blank snorted, "You should have known better. She's a princess."

"And I'm a lousy thief!" the guy I figured for Zidane said angrily, actually lifting his bowed head to glare at Blank. "I know how these things work out, Blank!"

"This is just like Squall and Rinoa," I offered, drawing all three's attention. "She's a...uhm…daughter of this important guy, and Squall's a mercenary. But they get along just fine." I neglected to mention that Rinoa's perkiness tended to drive everyone to near-suicide, including her self-proclaimed boyfriend, Squall.

The trio blinked stupidly. Or, I imagine Blank and Marcus blinked stupidly, I couldn't see either of their eyes. "What are you talking about?" Blank asked at last, a little irritated. Which was okay, 'cause he irritated me just as much.

"Or like Edea and Cid. Edea is a sorceress and Cid is…well…this fat guy who wears the ugliest damn sweaters I've ever seen in my life. He's a bit freaky too. Gives me the creeps whenever he looks at me." I shuddered, reliving one of those instances.

"And this relates to Zidane how.?" Blank asked, still looking a bit miffed that I had joined in their conversation.

"I'm just sayin' that the guy's got a chance. Or more of a chance that anyone would have figured Cid had."

"Well…Thanks," Zidane said awkwardly.

"Any time," I said with a smile and leaned back against my table. Or, where I thought my table had been. As it turned out, the table was to my _other_ left, and thus I fell backwards onto the hard, wooden floor. The last thought on my mind as I slipped into unconsciousness was, Goody! Now I can go home and beat the crap out of Irvine for slipping me those damned mushrooms.


	3. Chapter Three: MeetEveryone Else! Or: Ja...

**I Want to be Your Chicken Wuss :: **Chapter Three

Author's notes:: I'm not exactly sure if Hippaul is the hippo that Vivi races. But I do know that Vivi isn't able to race him until _after_ Alexandria is destroyed. We'll just pretend, alright?

~O~

I awoke to the wonderful feeling of ice-cold water being splashed against my face. The blue, yes _blue_, haired woman smiled at my sputtering and gasping. "He looks awright to me," she said in a thickly accented voice. She patted my shoulder lightly. "You had us worried there, kid," she added. I nodded dumbly and tried to sit up. Where was I? Oh, the theatre. Wait. "Th' name's Ruby," the woman continued, seemingly unaware of my confused, somewhat disappointed expression. I wasn't supposed to be here. I should have been back at Garden, in my small, standard-issue bed. 

"I think he's still out of it," Marcus offered from behind Ruby.

I groaned and fell back onto the table, which was being used as a make-shift cot. Why had this happened to me? What had I ever done to deserve this? Well, there was that one time. No! Don't start listing things! While I bickered with myself internally, the others gathered around me and began to discuss what would be done with me. "I vote we throw him out on the street," Marcus grumbled, obviously still sore about the whole tumbling-down-the-stair thing.

"We should probably send him to the nearest hospital; the guy's insane," Blank suggested.

"I already told you," I protested weakly, still disappointed with my whereabouts, "I'm not crazy."

Ruby nodded. "He's too cute to be insane _or_," she glared at Marcus, "thrown out on the street."

"Ask him where he is," Blank instructed, "then tell me he's not insane." They all looked at me expectantly.

I realized I could tick Blank off by saying I was in--What had he called this place again?-Alexandria, that's right. Heh, like Alexander. But instead I said, "I'm in a mini-theatre," with a dumb-ass grin on my face, "somewhere in Hallucinogenic Mushroom-induced Dreamland."

The three gave each other slightly worried glances. I wasn't going to get any help here. I started to get up when Ruby stopped me. "You think this is a dream?" she asked.

"It has to be," I replied. "I mean, one minute I'm getting the crap beat out of me by that jerk Seifer, and the next moment, I'm lying in the middle of some damn alley in a city that I've never even heard of."

Ruby's eyes narrowed. "Maybe you should go get Zidane, Blank. This guy's serious."

"He's insane, Ruby."

Ruby turned and glared at Blank. "Go get Zidane," she said between gritted teeth. Blank nodded and off he ran. 

Zidane sat across from me as I recounted my tale. His brow was furrowed in thought when I finished. "You don't have amnesia or anything?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Nope. I can remember my whole life. Well, I can remember the stuff the GFs didn't push outta my brain."

"GFs?" Zidane asked.

"Guardian Forces. I guess you guess don't have 'em here." I checked to see if Quezacotl, Cerberus, and the Brothers were still equipped. They were. "I'll give a demonstration some time. Just not in the city. I don't believe any good things could come of that. I'd just end up creating mass hysteria again." Zidane looked worriedly at Ruby. 

"Blank's right," Marcus said, "he is crazy."

I glared at him. "How many times do I have to tell you people." I started.

Zidane interrupted me, "I think he's telling the truth." I stuck my tongue out at Marcus. "But I don't think you're dreaming," he told me.

"How can I _not_ be?" I asked.

"For one thing, we're too sure of _our_ existence. And another thing: Wouldn't you have just woken up back at your home when you passed out?"

Now that he had spoken my own doubts, my dream theory was crumbling. But if I wasn't dreaming.

"I think we should take him to see Dr. Tot," Zidane told the others. "Besides, Vivi wanted me to go with him to see Dagger anyway." Zidane got up and slid his chair back under a table. "C'mon." he trailed off, looking at me quizzically. "What did you say your name was?"

"I didn't." I replied. "But I'm Zell." 

"Nice to meet ya," he said, and I followed him upstairs and out into the city.

We took a gondola-like boat to the castle. The woman soldier who steered it winked at me. I smiled back. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad here, dream or otherwise. We had picked up this little kid before we left. I imagine he was Vivi. He reminded me of the jawas from this old movie called 'Star Wars' that Irvine was a big fan of. As we were getting off the boat we came upon two very suspicious-looking characters: a giant rat and this gigantic, I mean gigantic in the Raijin sense, blue guy with red dreadlocks that hung over his eyes. They looked like they were ready to kill each other. As Zidane left to break up the fight I turned to Vivi. "Hi," I said. "I'm Zell." 

He looked up at me with his big yellow eyes. I smiled awkwardly. "My name's Vivi," he said in a soft, shy voice. 

I kneeled down next to him and shook his gloved hand. "Nice ta meet ya, Vivi." I realized I somewhat echoed Zidane's response to me earlier. "So…How do you feel about those hippos?" I asked when I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"They're pretty nice," Vivi replied. "I race Hippaul sometimes."

"Cool," I said. "I bet you win a lot, huh?"

He nodded, his hat sliding down over his eyes. "I win sometimes."

While I was pondering what to say next, hippos were only so interesting after all, Zidane jogged back over to me, slowly explaining to the rat and blue-guy that it was a bad, bad thing to kill each other. I stood back up, waiting to be introduced. Vivi hid behind me, sliding a gloved hand in my own. I gave him a reassuring smile before turning back to Zidane and his...companions.

"Zell," he began, "this is Freya," he pointed to the rat-person, "and this is Amarant," the blue guy. "Guys, this is Zell. He's…ahh…in a bit of a fix." Zidane trailed off, looking to me to elaborate. 

I shrugged saying, "Where's this Tot guy you mentioned?"

"Oh…yeah…right." Zidane faltered. The ra-I mean Freya-quirked an eyebrow at Zidane's stuttering. 

I had to resist shrugging again. Darn me and my expressive nature. Vivi tugged on my hand. I looked down at him and he pointed to the castle. The castle. Hoo-boy. "So he's in there?" I looked to Vivi for confirmation. He nodded. "Good." I started for the castle, Vivi trailing along behind me. 

"Hey! Wait!" Zidane called, trotting after me. Freya and Amarant weren't far behind.

We had just reached the entrance when an armor-clad man suddenly appeared, blocking the path. "Hey!" I protested, feeling a thud against the back of my legs; Vivi couldn't stop himself in time.

The man scowled at me disapprovingly and started to open his mouth to say something when he spotted Zidane; then his disapproving look turned downright nasty. "You," he growled as the little girl he held under his left arm flailed about uselessly. 

"Rusty!" Zidane greeted in return with grin on his face. The little girl under Rusty's arm stopped squirming to look up and fawn over Zidane. Rusty dropped her on her ass and I had to stifle my laughter.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Rusty demanded. 

"Why, we're here to see Dagger," Zidane announced.

"And that Tot guy," I added. Rusty looked from me to Zidane with disgust. "Well who peed in your cornflakes?" I asked, rather annoyed with the guy's attitude.

He looked taken aback for a moment until Zidane broke into hysterical laughter. "He always looks like that," Vivi informed me. "He doesn't like Zidane."

Upon sighting Vivi, Rusty broke into a wide grin. "Master Vivi!" he cried happily, bowing quickly. His armor squeaked in protest. "And what brings you to the castle?"

"We were gonna see Dr. Tot and Dagger."

"Well then follow me, Master Vivi; I believe a short visit could be arranged." Rusty led Vivi inside, pointing out random knickknacks and giving their history. I followed along behind, with Amarant, Freya, Zidane, and the little girl trailing. I hated tours; they were always so boring.


	4. Chapter Four: The Fic is Not Dead! Or: Z...

**I Want to be Your Chicken Wuss **:: Chapter Four

Author's notes::  Ack…I know it's been a long, long time since I've updated, and I'm terribly sorry about that. I could blame the lack of updates on writer's block or the simple fact that I'm just a slacker…but it's more like a combination of the two.  

Anyway, this is a very short chapter, and I'm sorry for that as well, but I thought I'd just put it up as soon as possible and get to work on the next one.  Besides, I found a good stopping point and so I did.

~O~

I don't think I had ever been this bored in my life. Even strategies class hadn't been this bad. At least the instructor had the sense to provide us with some colorful slides every now and then. This was cruel and unusual punishment.  I didn't care about the life and times of some dumb old knight, and I'm sure no one else is our mismatched crowd did either.  Except the one who was lecturing on Sir Whatever-the-hell-his-name-was.  You could tell Steiner idolized the guy by the twinkle in his eyes.  

"I thought we were going to see the Tot dude," I whispered to Zidane, having to lean over just a bit; the guy was a few inches shorter than me.  

"So did I," Zidane grumbled, glaring at Steiner.

I sighed. It looked like we'd be here a few more hours; our beloved knight Steiner had just spotted a big-ass portrait of an equally large woman.  Steiner had already started towards it when Vivi spoke up.  "I think I hear Dagger," he said, his naturally quiet voice almost drowned out by the creak of Steiner's armor as he turned.

"Oh, yes!" Steiner pointed a gloved finger in the direction Vivi had been staring.  "The princess was going to address the people! Right this way Master Vivi!"  Steiner grabbed Vivi's small hand and tugged him down the hall.

"He completely forgot about us, didn't he?" I grumbled.

"Looks that way," Zidane remarked.

"Jerk."

The first thing I noticed about this princess was the fact that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.  I stood with my mouth agape as she addressed the little horned girl.  The princess was decked out in some white ensemble, but it wasn't the dress that interested me (be it low-cut, or not).  Talk about eye candy…

As my thoughts whirled drunkenly down the path of no return Zidane and company stood silently while horn-kid yapped about some chick named Sara or Sari or something…

"Why didn't you say anything, Zidane?" Vivi asked when the princess had spared us one last glance and turned to leave.  

Zidane sighed, falling into a sitting position on the floor.  "I wanted to," he said, his voice straining with emotion.  "I tried…"

"And…?" Freya prodded.

"I just couldn't! I had this whole speech planned out for her!  'Good luck, Dagger! I'll be watching you from afar! Come see me whenever you need to talk…'" he cursed under his breath.  "But that's all lies! I couldn't lie to her!" He punched the floor. "It's just…not what I feel at all…"

I was at a loss for words.  It was obvious the guy cared about the princess, and he clearly believed that nothing could happen between them but… Ah, hell… Why did I care so much anyway? Sure…Zidane was trying to help me out, but I had already told him my position on the matter. (I still thought he'd have a better shot than Cid.)

The awkward silence continued to grow until Zidane slammed his fist against the floor a second time, growling under his breath and standing up.  He started to leave and no one tried to stop him.  I kept my mouth shut, watching him disappear around the hallway with a growing unease.  What was I going to do now?

We were back in the bar.  Or, me, Amarant, Freya, and Vivi were back in the bar.  Zidane still hadn't shown up and only Hyne knew where the horn-girl could have run off to.  

"I'm gonna go find Zidane," Vivi announced suddenly, his tiny voice breaking the silence.  Amarant and Freya didn't seem to mind him leaving, but I thought briefly of stopping him.  He was just so _small_; I couldn't fathom letting him run off on his own.  But…Vivi had been by himself when I had first met him…

"Watch where you're going!" Horn-girl hissed, running straight into Vivi when she barged into the bar.  "I'm _not _in a good right now!" She glared at the rest of us briefly before storming over to the broken staircase.

I ignored her, going instead to help Vivi up.  "You okay?" I whispered, lifting him to his feet.

He nodded and started to say something when a squat, little old man with a big nose walked in, resettling his spectacles on said nose.

"Is…ahh…Eiko Carol here?" he asked in an even, heavily nasal voice.

"I'm here!" horn-girl said, standing up and jumping down the stairs, coming to a stop in front of the man.  "It's the nerdy guy!" she exclaimed, seeming a bit surprised.

The unfortunately large-nosed man chuckled.  "You're as energetic as ever, I see."

"Yup…I'm always energetic!" her smile faltered and she mumbled something under her breath.  Very suddenly, I lost interest in their conversation.

"Hey, Vivi," I leaned down to whisper to the kid.  "Who's he?"

"Dr. Tot," Vivi whispered back, righting his floppy hat on his head.

"Really?!" I exclaimed, causing those present to turn and look at me. Ehh… "Sorry," I mumbled, pulling Vivi aside. Tot and Eiko resumed their conversation whilst Amarant and Freya continued pretending to be slabs of stone.  

"That's the guy who might know how to get me home?" I glanced skeptically at the short man.  He reminded me of a Tonberry, as strange as that seemed.  He was about the same size and shape…minus the tail, of course.

Vivi nodded.  "Yeah. He's really smart."

"Spiffy," I mumbled to myself, catching an odd look from Vivi.

"Spif-fee?" he struggled with the word.

"Yeah; like 'cool' or 'great,'" I told him distractedly, waiting for the Tot guy to finish with the blue-haired nuisance.  

"Why don't we go to your home so I can relax?" the kid suggested.

"My home's in Treno," Tot laughed. "That's an awful long way from here."

"That's okay!" Eiko squealed happily, causing me to wince.  She was like a combination of Rinoa and Selphie: definitely not good for one's ear drums.  "I've always wanted to travel! Let's go there!"

"Yeah," Zidane said as he entered, looking at each of us in turn. "There's a card tournament going on in Treno right now and I'd like to enter."

Cards? What about the princess? Was Zidane giving up that easily?

"Well then," Tot said cheerily, wiping his spectacles with a cloth before righting them on his nose. "Why don't we all go to Treno?"


	5. Chapter Five: The Auction! Woo!

**I Want to be Your Chicken Wuss **:: Chapter Five

Author's Notes :: Again, another short one. But I just found a good stopping point… Anyway, you have my apologies. Just read and enjoy. (And review. Please.)

~O~

Riding a Gargant was not what I was expecting.  Actually…I don't know what I was expecting when Zidane informed me we'd be riding to Treno on a giant insect.  Maybe something bigger and more insect-y.  Not the beetle-like, ceiling-clinger that was summoned by the flip of a switch.  It was kinda cool, really, like something out of a sci-fi novel.  

But the Gargant didn't even begin to measure up to Treno.  The city was gorgeous; like something of a mixture between Deling and Alexandria.  It wasn't completely Medieval, though the cobblestoned walkways and towers did have a certain charm.  The city was brightly lit, and, from what I had been told, in a state of perpetual night; which was kinda cool when you thought about it.

As things turned out, everyone had wanted to go off on their own and, as much as I wanted to go with them and explore, I thought it'd be best if I spoke to Tot first and Zidane agreed, introducing us before going off to enter his card tournament.  The short man seemed greatly intrigued after I'd finished my explanation.  He sat on a stool, cleaning his glasses and swinging his stubby legs back and forth.  I swear, he _had_ to be a Tonberry disguised as a human…

"This is quite an interesting situation," he mused, fixing his glasses back on their rather large perch.  "I've never heard of something like this before Mr…ahh…Dincht, was it?"

"Yeah, Zell Dincht."

"Mr. Zell, then. Do things like this commonly happen in your world?"

"Not that I'm aware of.  I mean…There's time compression, which is kinda like this, but only a little."

"Time compression," Tot leaned forward in his chair. "I've never heard of this… Could you…ah…explain?"

"Uhm…" How was this supposed to help me? I hadn't really given it much thought, but I was certain that I hadn't been caught in Ultimecia's time compression.  Squall and Irvine would be here with me, if that was the case. Wouldn't they…?  With a wavering resolve, I outlined to Tot all I knew (or thought I knew) about time compression.

"Amazing," the man said at last, his buggy eyes widening in awe.  "A single person can accomplish this? And you were sent to stop them?" He shook his head in disbelief.  "Amazing…"

"Yeah…you said that… Just…Well…Do you really think that that's what happened to me? That this could be the past, or the future, or whatever?"

"Actually…I…don't think so.  You were right that time compression is similar to your circumstance, but it's only that.  This sounds more like a complete shifting of planes."

"Of what?" This guy wasn't making any sense…But at least I knew that Ultimecia hadn't succeeded…yet…

"Planes, dear boy, astrological planes.  See…There's a theory that, well, different worlds, alternate realities, if you will, can exist simultaneously next to each other; lined up one after the other.  Each world, or plane, is completely ignorant of the other planes, but there are instances when two or more will connect, or briefly come into contact with each other.  Or…so some believe…"

Ehh…?

"I can tell by the look on your face that this is a little much to take in.  Come, come, I'll show you," Tot jumped down from his stool and hobbled over to a pile of books and papers, rummaging through it until he selected the one he was looking for.  "See here?" he said, opening to a page and pointing out a surprisingly simple diagram.  The page showed a planet, labeled as Gaia, overlapped with lightly shaded circles roughly the same size and shape as the planet.  "This is our world, Gaia.  Those circles," he traced his finger around the edge of one, "are proposed planes. Each one is an entirely different reality. It's very likely that one of these is the world you're from."

"So…Let's say it is…How would I get back?"

Tot scratched his chin in thought.  "I'm not sure…I can only speculate but…I think there might be a…ah…portal, if you will, that connects your world to ours.  If we can find this portal, we could send you home."

Okay…That didn't sound too hard.  "How do we find this portal-thing, then?"

Tot shrugged.  "Look for it?"

Look for it? What the hell kinda answer was that? Tch. I'd have been better off if I just stayed in Alexandria and let Ruby fuss over me.  Well… I guess just hoping things could be solved easily was asking too much. Frickin' hell.

I kicked a pebble from the cobblestone street as I walked; my hands stuffed down in my pockets and my eyes on my red high-tops. How long had I had these things? Damn, I needed new shoes. Too bad red high-tops were so frickin' rare.

"Why in the world would you _buy_ something like that?"

"But honey, it's a limited edition model of Regent Cid!"

"I don't care who it is! That piece of diddly is not worth twenty thousand gil!!"

The couple passed me without so much as a glance.  I suppose the man was too busy cowering and his wife too caught up in chewing him out. I'm never getting married… Oh, hey… Blue guy!

"Hey! Blu—uhm…Amarant!" I yelled, waving my arms wildly and running up to him, clapping him on the arm when I was close enough.  I wonder if that annoyed him…

"…"

Yup, guess so.  Blue-guy was pissy.  "Ehh," I lifted my hand from his arm, "I'll just…be going then…"  I started to walk off, content to leave him in peace, until I heard his sigh of relief. The jerk. Pivoting fast enough to snap my neck, I gave him my most nefarious grin and strolled back to where he sulked.  "Actually…I don't know a thing about this city. Maybe you could show me around?"

"…"

"Great!" I grabbed his arm and yanked as hard as I could, almost causing him to stumble over me.  The rather large man issued a comical sort of surprised squeal as he struggled to regain his balance.  As soon as he could stand straight again, he fixed me with a dreadlock-shrouded glare.  I sighed; he didn't look very likely to comply.  "Just find me something that'll keep me occupied and I'll leave you alone."

He stared at me for a few moments before breaking into a wry grin.  "You sure are easier to deal with than the others," he pointed behind me at an illuminated building.  "Try that first.  If you get bored, I'll be around." He nodded as a way of goodbye and walked off the way I had come.

Huh. Weird guy. I looked over at the building he had indicated; it looked harmless enough.  Figuring I had nothing to loose, I pocketed my hands and strolled over to the building, examining its big doors carefully before going in.

"Three thousand five hundred!"

"Four thousand!"

"Five!"

Hee… "Six thousand!" I loved the Auction. What better way to spend gil on useless items than this?

"Six thousand five hundred!" shrieked the fat woman in the front row. 

I didn't have a clue as to what I was bidding on but I wasn't about to let her win. "Seven thousand!"

"Eight!"

"Nine!!"

The woman paused, her numbered sign trembling in her meaty hand.  She began to lift it, stopped, then started again, only to drop the sign resignedly into her lap.

The auctioneer slammed down his gavel.  "Done!" he proclaimed.  "The Dark Matter goes to the young man in the front.  If you will come with me, sir, we shall settle things over here."

Ehh…too bad I had forgotten that my gil was slightly-less than welcome here.

Running with my winnings tucked under my arm, I hardly noticed Zidane until I had slammed into him.  Glancing over my shoulder to make sure I had lost my pursuers, I turned back to grin at the shorter man.

"Zell," he said, glancing down at Horn-kid, who I hadn't seen before (she was just that short), "I'm glad you're here.  Something's happened in Alexandria.  Dagger's in trouble."


End file.
